Well, it's that time of year again. As some of you may have figured
out by now, I'm not the best person to give love advice. Since I can't
tell you what to do, I can tell you what not to do. Here they are:
The Top Ten Worst Movies to See With Your Valentine
10. Attack
of the Killer Tomatoes
-Just try making out with that song stuck in your head
9. Rambo
(First Blood: Part Two)
-The penultimate guy movie. Stallone at his beefy, sweaty, grunting
best.
8. Dead
Alive
-Goriest movie ever made. Incidentally, the director went on to direct
some film about Hobbits...
7. Quills
-The Marquis de Sade as a new age anti-hero. Highlights include: de
Sade naked, de Sade writing with his own shit, an Abbé committing
necrophilia, underage marital rape and a big, ugly, bald dude masturbating.
6. Birth
of A Nation (extended version w/ organ score)
-Crank the volume on this one! Show you've got both feet in the twenty-first
century with this Ku Klux Klassic.
5. Beavis
and Butthead Do America
-Heh heh heh. There, I've said it. Are you happy now?
4. Joe's
Apartment
-Talking roaches help Gen-X male get girl. Oh, yeah, chicks love a
love story.
3. Terminator 3
-That movie hasn't even come out yet, but come on... did Arnold think
a female Terminator was going to tap into the young, independent,
human-race-destroying-female audience?
2. A
Clockwork Orange
-Nothing says, "I respect women" like a movie chock-filled
with ultraviolence, rape, and men wearing makeup.
1. USS VD: Ship
of Shame
-World War 2 training film about the dangers of VD. Oh, yeah, that'll
put you in a mood to have wild, unprotected sex.
