Ah, Valentine’s Day. The most romantic day of the year. Or is it?
In recent years this holiday has become little more than a shell of
its former self, a predictable, commercial hoax that only succeeds
in leaving many romantic hopefuls sorely disappointed. Many single
people feel left out on this holiday designed for couples, and many
couples are simply bored with the standard dinner and roses that Valentine’s
Day inevitably brings. So, with no further ado, here are some suggestions
to spice up your Valentine’s Day festivities.
1.) If you have a significant other, convince he or she to meet you
at a bar. (Disclaimer: This Valentine’s Day activity is strictly for
those over 21. The Advocate in no way supports underage
drinking or the use of fake ID’s to obtain entry to said bar).
Pretend that you don’t know each other, act as if you are just two
single people enjoying an evening out. Throughout the night, flirt
with your partner, use the typical pick up lines on them. Talk to
other people as well, and avoid getting upset when someone else tries
to flirt with your boyfriend or girlfriend- simply see it as a sign
that they are desirable and you are lucky to be with them. As the
night draws to a close, begin to flirt with your partner again and
ask if they would like to spend the evening with you. Head home, and
let the fun begin.
2. If single, impose guilt upon your “taken” friends with comments
like, “Hey! What are you doing next Friday night…I think it’s the
14th? I was going to volunteer my time at the local soup
kitchen, in an attempt to aid the needy in this self-centered
society…oh wait, you and your boyfriend have plans to spend ridiculous
amounts of money and time on each other. Whoops—my bad.”
3.) Go to a diner with some friends, preferably in a group of mostly
one sex and one member of the opposite sex. For this example, we will
discuss a group of 5 males and one female. As you finish your meal,
have one of the guys walk up to a female at a nearby table and say
“My friend over there thinks you’re really cute,” and point back towards
the table. As she turns to look at the table, have the lone female
of the group begin to wave and wink at her. Laugh, it’s all in good
fun.
4.) In order to exact some Valentine’s Day revenge, call up the mothers
of your ex-boyfriends and explain you still have her son’s copy of
The
Kama Sutra.
5.) Before Valentine’s Day arrives, make a trip to a local store and
purchase an inexpensive fake diamond ring. When Valentine’s Day arrives,
go to a moderately priced restaurant for dinner, with either a friend
or a significant other, and have the male quite ostentatiously pretend
to propose to the female, attempting to attract as much attention
as possible. From here, the plan can take one of two courses. Firstly,
the proposal can be turned down, at which point the female can make
a scene, saying that she could never get married and spew forth a
stream of obscenities that amount to the fact that she never wants
to see him again and proceed to stomp out of the restaurant, quite
to the dismay of the other diners. Secondly, the proposal can be rather
dramatically accepted, at which point the couple may begin to make
out in the middle of the restaurant, again to the dismay of the other
diners. Both of these options can turn out to be quite hysterical,
but the acceptance of the proposal greatly increases your chances
of receiving a free Valentine’s Day meal.
6.) If you happen to be a single female, rent movies like Fear
and listen endlessly to Michael
Bolton’s Greatest Hits, the former reinforcing the fact that
men are really creepy, and the latter proving men are really creepy
and can make love sound incredibly unappealing (pay particular attention
to “When
a Man Loves a Woman”—you may try batting for the other team after
this one).
7.) Create your own Jerry
Springer moment. Similar to number 5, you and your significant
other or friend should go to a restaurant of moderate price. Half
way through your meal, the female should stand up and loudly tell
the crowd that she has an announcement to make. She should then proceed
to make a speech that goes roughly as follows: “Billy Bob, I have
to tell you something. You know I love you, but for the last 6 months
I’ve been cheating on you- with a another woman- and that woman is
your sister.” Billy Bob should them give a clever retort, such as,
“What a fat little whore!” By this point, the manager should be asking
you to leave, but as you are ushered out of the restaurant, make sure
to advise the crowd of that old adage: “Take care of yourselves- and
each other.”
8.) If in search of a date for Valentine’s Day, make reservations
at a fine restaurant, and once there, pretend your boyfriend calls
and breaks up with you—facilitating the possibility for a free meal,
unwarranted pity, and a particular waiter’s phone number.
9.) Rent out a venue, such as a local fire house, for Valentine’s
Day evening. Put out flyers that advertise that you will be hosting
a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner at this location that will be catered
with “Gourmet American Cuisine with a Special Valentine’s Day Flair.”
Also advertise that tickets will be available in advance for the nominal
price of $75 per couple, and that it is a strictly black tie event.
During Valentine’s Day, prepare your meal, which will in fact consist
of “Gourmet American Cuisine:” hot dogs, pizza, hamburgers, and ice
cream, with a “Special Valentine’s Day Flair:” red food coloring.
Allow your honored guests to enjoy their meal and watch the sparks
fly.
10.) Encourage the spread of singledom by buying out all of Michael
Bolton’s Greatest Hits from local record stores, placing them
at the doorsteps of women in relationships (for the sake of negative
statistics in the United States, though, avoid placing them on the
doorsteps of married women).
11.) Have a friendly competition with a friend. Agree not to shower
or change your clothes for a few days, and on Valentine’s Day, wear
a sign that reads “Official Valentine’s Day Hugger.” Separate, and
go to different busy places with a good number of pedestrians, such
as a street corner or park. As each person passes, announce that you
are the official Valentine’s Day Hugger and are required to embrace
each person you see. Each encounter should then be scored according
to this scale: 5 points for a dirty look, 15 points for a cry of “Get
the hell away from me!”, 25 points for a yell for police assistance,
and 100 points for an actual arrest. At the end of the day, rejoin
your friend, compare scores, and go home and put some ice on that
black eye.
12.) With all the money saved in not buying a gift for a boyfriend,
purchase a mail order bridegroom from Eastern
Europe (preferably named Milos)—sure, your friends had beaus on
February 14th, but on March 14th they’ll be craving some Slavic lovin’.
13.) Go to a zoo with your boyfriend or girlfriend for a special Valentine’s
Day outing. Wear binoculars around your neck and carry notebooks and
pens as you travel around the zoo. Throughout your day, take special
note of the animals as they mate in all of their natural, unrestrained
glory. Make a show of taking notes on exactly what they are doing
and discuss it at length with your partner. When an employee of the
zoo approaches you and asks you what the hell you think you’re doing,
simply reply “Oh, we were just taking notes for later.”
14.) “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone you love” (Woody
Allen).
Enough said.
